Lolavie

by Jennifer Anniston, 2011, so-so

Starts up as hairspray, one of the nastier flavors of Aqua-Net or VO5, heavy on the fake violet. Like the hairspray, it dries to a less harsh grapey-incense-nag champa plus a chemical overtone:  basically the strong, nose-itching odor of an old lady’s fresh bouffant “set” with half a can of hairspray, right out of the salon, small grandchildren sneezing in the wake. Add Parfum Sacré & you have her makeup. Throw in Odeur 53 and you have her purse, too.

I despise the very premise of celebrity scents: that a celebrity would have any skill in designing a fragrance, or even a sense of taste that anyone else would enjoy is preposterous. This one I was hoping would work out, be another harmless, mildly interesting Sarah Jessica Parker scent --or a damn weird Isabella Rossellini one. Jennifer Anniston is (or presents herself effectively as) nice, sweet-seeming, perhaps a little unsure of herself, very pretty but somehow you don’t hate her for it, basically innocent person. That her big signature fragrance is exactly like Grandma fresh from the salon is jarring, and disappointing somehow.


Got a free sample upon demand at Sephora.

Beauty

by Calvin Klein, 2010, so-so


Calvin Klein keeps trying to make scents for the classy mass-market, all things to all people. Sounds like a recipe for failure, no? Surprisingly, Estée Lauder has made good, interesting scents doing this very thing, but unlike Estée Lauder, CK usually falls well short of success. Yes, even CK One. And its gazillion flankers. 

(OK, ok! Obsession-was-one-of-the-greatest-scents-ever-please-get-off-my-back!)

It should be no surprise then that Beauty is also a disappointment. It comes off classy and mature, a refreshingly grown-up scent unlike the sugar sweet everything else on the sales counter. It’s floral, in an indefinable way, that at first reminds you of classic perfumery, where the perfume smells of itself, not its ingredients. It mellows, it rounds, it develops, …then it completely evaporates, in about an hour. Gone. Poof! Nothing there, nobody home. Right before it completely disappears, its scent thins, cheapens, bears a striking resemblance to the public-restroom-detergent cheap nag-champa smell of Mugler’s Cologne (without the necessary tongue-in-cheekiness), then disappears. What’s left? A thin layer of vague cheap white musk & bad candy vanilla, and I’m not sure that’s not left over from the Belle en Rykiel I wore a couple days ago.

This is so not worth the money, even if it were a cheap drugstore scent (it isn’t), even if it’s on sale (it won’t be anytime soon), even from a discounter (why bother?). The most you can say is it’s inoffensive, it has the same quality as a Perry Ellis or Hugo Boss scent: safe, bland office-wear, so you can completely blur into your beige cubicle.

<...snicker...>

I would like that my spouse would give attention to me... You heard of a perfume that smells of computer?

I went for literal rather than elegant translation. Dedicated to all the MMORPG and First-Person Shooter widows out there.

Reb'l Fleur

by Rihanna, 2011, so-so

A friend told me: “It's a simultaneous fusion of Deep South, Inner City, and Paris”. What it really is: a generic sweet fruity vanilla amber just like everything else out there right now. The berry/fruity notes  are reminiscent of Pon Farr, but Pon Far is much more interestingly engineered (notice I did not say designed). Reb’l Fleur smells like you layered every one of the Les Heurs de Cartier range together, or just  the latest Ed Hardy, Hanae Mori, Play, or whatever Sephora is flogging this summer. Les Heurs is a classy comparison, but this scent is quite generic, probably from Celebrity Generic Scent Vat #3*, if I were to guess.
Unlike most celebrity scents, this one is inoffensive. Go ahead & buy it if you’re a fan, you’ll smell fine. You’ll smell exactly like everyone else out there.

You’ll fit in perfectly.

Sprayed myself in the Macy's & took a sample card.

*Vat #1 has the Paris Hilton line. Vat #2 is the entire J-Lo oeuvre. Vat #4 is generic celebrity men’s colognes à la I Am King. Vat #5 is Drakkar/Polo/Cool Water knockoffs (see Diesel). Vat #666 (there is no #6) is the pit every Victoria’s Secret smell emanates from.

Boyfriend

by Kate Walsh, 2010, good

You know the cliche in movies: a woman spends a random night with some guy,  and appears in the “next morning” scene wearing one of his shirts as a nightgown or robe. If a perfume can capture what that smells like, this is it. It embodies a clean-guy-in-flannel-shirt essence, a bit of tobacco  —or perhaps other smokeable (it’s a bit weedy & resinous), and a whole lotta vanilla, amber, light musk, and gentle rosy undertones. The net effect is a burly, very slightly sweaty manly man wearing Shalimar (which, BTW, should totally be worn by guys!), averaging what borrowing your man’s clothes smells like. It doesn’t give unique details of your guy, just an amalgam of “guyness”. It’s unexpectedly comforting & soothing, and has a very snuggly feel, so I’d recommend it for fall or winter. Men could wear this easily; it actually smells like a guy’s scent, but it’s engineered to be a scent women would find acceptable to wear... or buy for her guy.

Its separated-at-birth twin? Black Orchid. These two are very very similar, but Black Orchid is definitely classier, more upmarket smelling, with heavier, finer vanilla, a powdery overtone, and less weedy/tobacco effect. Boyfriend is much more casual & all-purpose, with a more candied vanilla. Boyfriend is daywear, Black Orchid is a night on the town. Both could be easily worn by guys, and should be!

Got my sample free upon request at Sephora.