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June 21, 2009

Cologne

by Thierry Mugler, 2001

Thierry Mugler is an artist at the high-low fashion tightrope walk, because his Cologne is a real work of postmodern art. It starts by smelling like a better-made, more expensive version of 4711, all fresh and citrusy, and you're thinking, "Hey, ok, highend 4711, dude!". Then all of a sudden you're wearing highway reststop bathroom soap, "Whoa! WTF?" (yes, my inner voice sounds like Keanu), which evolves into the barest hint of Nag Champa incense and aftershave lotion, then something fresh-herby starts morphing into Un Jardin en Méditerranée, suddenly zigs away from that luxe smell, zagging back into the reststop bathroom. All this in under 5 min. Then it starts all over again; or, really never went away, just revealed more of itself over time.

Sound complicated? It's not, it's very straightforward and simple smelling. Mugler's scents tend to be rather direct and no-nonsense, hitting you upside the head with their obvious-yet-weird mashups of quotidian accords: Angel=chocolate-musk-vetiver-licorice, Alien=jasmine-wood-musk, and this? Citrus-pink public bathroom soap-incense-herbs. If fashion is the line between taste and trash, this is a work of genius.

June 19, 2009

Feu d'Issey

by Issey Miyake, 1998

It's a fire alright, right outta Hell!  This has been characterized as an odd floral-spicy scent, roses & hot milk, according to some. I put it on and immediately thought, "OFF! OFF! GET IT OFF ME NOW!!!" Roses & milk & spices MY ASS! This is roses & boxwood & baby barf. The roses I'm sure of, the boxwood is my best guess at an indelible strong spicy-woody-vileness accord, one that reminds me to those nasty bottles of predator urine (bobcat, wolf, fox, etc.) you can buy at fancy garden centres to sprinkle around your vegetable plot and scare away the little bunnies from eating your lettuces. The baby barf is the closest to the purported "milky" note, but if it's milk, it's waaaay beyond rotten, and not even cheese yet, just a bile-laced bad-breath sour-rotten nightmare that clings needily to skin. I don't get it at all, why is there a following for this discontinued dumpster juice (Heaven help us! there's a "Light" version still available)?!

I diligently tried to scrub it off after enduring close to an hour of wear, just to be fair and check for development into something tolerable. Was it worth it? Let's just say this was possibly the biggest sacrifice I've ever made in the name of Fairness.

After scrubbing three times with different detergents and soaps, IT'S STILL THERE! I may have to amputate...